life Tag

1. Your weekend plans in the kitchen with your co-worker whose name you forget, but whose mustache crumbs you always remember. The necessity to construe a wholesome response before 8am because having morning sex and eating ramen twice in bed isn’t an acceptable answer to a person who is supposed to regard you professionally is irritating. And if you decided to make toast instead of cereal on that Friday you must engage further while he makes poor over-coffee talk about how fast weekends go by. And how it’s supposed toRead More

I first met my former roommate’s pet parakeet when I came home late from work one night. I entered my apartment sometime around midnight to the sound of birds chirping like I was in a goddamn rain forest, a fully-lit kitchen/living room area, and a tiny blue and yellow avian fella perched in a cage placed atop a table. He was chirping and staring at me, blinking expectantly. My roommate had already gone to bed, so I was unsure of how to proceed re: introducing myself to the newest additionRead More

I’m getting older. Every year. Every day. Every hour. Every minute. This much is indisputable. But I often find myself questioning whether I’m actually growing up as time endlessly marches onward. What does it mean to grow up? To have adult responsibilities? I have a few of those. To be objectively mature? I probably have a ways to go; I still think prank calls are hilarious and my friends and I still laugh at things that adults shouldn’t find funny. To wake up early, work a nine-to-five, and come backRead More

I was four-years-old when I came to the realization that I couldn’t read. Of course, at that point, I never could read, but it was at this age that I became acutely aware that I couldn’t read and that everyone else could. My mom could. My dad could. My eleven-year-old sister could. It was basically all the guy on Reading Rainbow could talk about… Why couldn’t I? So I did what any four-year-old would do and I asked my mom, “When will I know how to read?” My mom wasn’t entirelyRead More

For my Firefighter, who already proved he can. Could you love a cancer patient despite my burdened health? Can you provide the love and care that my heart has never felt? Are you ready for hours spent at the hospital waiting, for news you don’t know if you’ll be loving or hating? Do you have the patience for the brain fog I possess? Or the ability to smile through my CAT scans, nonetheless? Will you research conditions I’ll develop over time, and learn the medical jargon the specialists love toRead More

1. Go to a random concert – Concerts are great because you’ll actually be doing something after work, other than sitting on the couch with a box of Cheez-Its. And the upside is that usually the shows will let out at a fairly reasonable hour, either because they know nobody’s trying to turn up until 2am on a Tuesday (except you, Makonnen), or because of neighborhood noise laws, IDK. Unless you plan on going to a rap concert in which case, you’re basically going to be out until you haveRead More

It was eighty-four degrees in San Francisco and I was riding the bus after concurrently confessing my love and breaking up with a boy I had been dating.  On our first date I told him that my brother had brain cancer.  I had just discovered the fact myself and wasn’t sure what the protocol was for these things in regard to first dates. Was it a sit-at-home-and-panic or an attend-with-pocketed-Xanax sort of situation? The idea of distraction and a lovely, little pill that allowed me to abandon anxiety for fourRead More

There’s nothing like a nice cocktail after a long day. There are hundreds of cocktail recipes out there, classics like Cosmos and Old Fashioneds, and then more obscure cocktails, like the ones below. Let’s be honest, not everyone keeps bitters on hand. We’re not all born bartenders. These cocktails are more practical, more convenient. Here are the essential cocktail recipes for everyday life. The Bad Day What You’ll Need: Vodka, anger, a desperate desire to numb it all. Directions: Pour vodka directly into your throat. Wince. Ask yourself if youRead More

Sometimes being short is not a big deal (ha, that pun wasn’t intended). But I’ll level with you–90% of the time it’s really annoying. Also, that pun was intended. Here’s some of the most annoying parts of being short. I couldn’t think of a pun that time.   1. That awkward moment when you can’t fully see over the steering wheel and you realize you’re basically those old ladies driving like with their hands at eye-level…   2. …And the subsequent awkward moment when you have to buy a seatRead More

My feelings about online dating are very unserious.  That’s why I chose OkCupid.  No one is searching for their eternal companion there, unless their standards are limbo-dance low.  It’s no eHarmony with commercials of middle-aged couples finding happiness  together through the internet.  This website doesn’t have commercials because the users just go Ehhh…okay, Cupid, fine, I’ll give online dating a try. My labors were not extensive and my profile was playful, but brief.  Still, I have found great success thanks to Cupid and my inability to say no.  These areRead More

Maybe you think you’re helping, but the thing is, we’re all becoming awesome individuals according to our own standards, desires, beliefs, and values. So these lists — Things That You Should Know lists, regardless of which gender it’s directed at — have to stop.  I’m far from being a Helen of Troy, but I’ve never sat at home and scratched my head (or balls), wondering what I needed to change in order to be more attractive to others.  I guess it’s cute that people are trying to help, and IRead More

There’s a certain amount of  tact present when conversing with acquaintances. These aren’t your people that arrive with vodka and a burrito when something horrid has happened to you. They are the co-workers of your friends that have a homely, three-limbed dog, or perhaps your friend’s Craigslist roommate that masturbates loudly. Sometimes you get stuck in the backseat of their cars after a group-camping expedition and you spill ketchup on their seatbelt buckle and don’t tell them. Whoever they are, you have certainly never connected with them on a personalRead More

The difference between your early twenties and your mid-twenties is vast. Once you hit your mid-twenties you’re welcome into a strange world where planning for retirement becomes a thing that you actually have to start thinking about, a world where everyone on MTV is younger than you, a world where you get invited to more weddings than keggers, a world where you can’t eat McDonalds because it’s “too greasy.” It’s basically the Twilight Zone. Another cool, fun thing about being in your mid-twenties is that you enter into a constantRead More

I’ve had three Bloody Mary’s and seventeen olives and I’m in that crater of a conversation that revolves around significant others and their brunch orders. I wish I cared what your boring boyfriend chose to eat for breakfast to accommodate his Paleo diet and stomach sensitivity to dairy, but I don’t. I would rather gag myself with the bright green straw in charge of my Bloody Mary consumption and re-eat the marbled pieces of olive after I’ve thrown them up than continue the conversation.  After this instance I realized thatRead More

If you were to Google the burgeoning metropolis of Bakersfield, California you would find it is known for many things. Aside from carrots and Buck Owens, Bakersfield has made quite a name for itself as having the worst air quality, the most illiterate citizens, and the place where lost phone calls (and hopes and dreams) go to die, due to terrible cellphone reception. Either Forbes just hates Bakersfield or it really is a barren wasteland pretending to be a functioning society. But for me, Bakersfield has always just been home.Read More