Humor Tag

1. Putting out those “Leave your S.O. for me, he/she can’t love you like I can” songs. My bae, God’s voice bestowed upon us in human earthly form, Sam Smith has this song called “Leave Your Lover,” which is exactly what it sounds like. Like bruhhhh, why does this trope exist? Of course her man can’t love her like you can, but maybe that’s why she chose to be with him over you? You think you can love her “more,” that’s debatable, but more is not necessarily better. You can putRead More

I’ve had three Bloody Mary’s and seventeen olives and I’m in that crater of a conversation that revolves around significant others and their brunch orders. I wish I cared what your boring boyfriend chose to eat for breakfast to accommodate his Paleo diet and stomach sensitivity to dairy, but I don’t. I would rather gag myself with the bright green straw in charge of my Bloody Mary consumption and re-eat the marbled pieces of olive after I’ve thrown them up than continue the conversation.  After this instance I realized thatRead More

Because not every dance floor can have Patrick Swayze. Nearly all adult dance floors yield the same experience for me (excluding Mormon ones, which I greatly prefer, because we leave room for Jesus in between).  It typically goes like the beginning of an Ashlee Simpson song: All my girls  stand in a circle and clap your hands, this is for you. Okay, so there’s not a lot of clapping happening, but there is a collection of boozy guys lurking in the periphery, trying to decide which stranger to approach andRead More

I don’t know if I want to be best bitches, best friends with her, be her, or date her. But here’s why I’m pretty sure Aubrey Plaza and I would have a great time hanging out.     1. She’s a total weirdo.     2. One time she hid in a box and followed her principal home from school.     3. Her twitter name is @evilhag.     4. She’s the voice of Grumpy Cat in an upcoming Lifetime movie.     5. She can resist the powers ofRead More

Where Boys Hide Their Boners When a guy pops a boner in basketball shorts, there’s only one place to hide.  My first boyfriend taught me where boys keep their boners. One night he took me to a scenic overlook that had a view of the city which I enjoyed from the inside of my boyfriend’s mouth as we made out against a high-standing stone wall.  (That is to say, I did not actually enjoy much of the view because we were otherwise occupied). He was a giant at 6’3″ toRead More

Somewhere along the line you fell into The Gap. And, without really wondering why this had happened, you eventually resigned yourself to not ever making your way back out. #dressnormal, I guess. You have way more negative opinions on pumpkin spice flavored beverages and pumpkin spice scented paraphernalia than is warranted or reasonable, and your reason isn’t that you have something against gourds or that you don’t very much enjoy the autumnal time of the year, but because you feel like you should be against all of these things becauseRead More

1. The Invisible Rope Prank       2. Buttered Floors Prank     3. Spoon Prank     4. The Force Elevator       5. Air horn under the chair pranks (or Air horn as a door stop works)    Read More

Every year, I seem to find myself scrambling for a Halloween costume idea and execution a few days before the holiday. Throughout the year, I come up with many different ideas I think would make an impressive costume, but then I completely forget about them. Then I end up dressing as something very lame. It’s like when I used to walk into a video store and completely forget about the 100 films I’d intermittently put on my must-see list, and settle instead for renting Varsity Blues for the 80th time.Read More

Hopelessly in love with… Your totally oblivious best friend Your best friend you probably has you in the friend-zone Your roommate Someone who lives a world away Someone who’s totally out of your league Someone who’s taken Your friend’s totally-off-limits boyfriend/girlfriend That person you’ve been staring at for the past forever Someone too old for you Someone too young for you Your totally dreamy boss/coworker Your totally dreamy teacher Someone you just met Someone you haven’t even met yet Someone on the Internet A celebrity who doesn’t know you existRead More

Most of you are scared to go there. Your guy friends laugh nervously when you broach the topic at lunch, and your good, but not best friends mentally move you from their classy-has-it-together category of friends to the perverted-don’t-bring-around-grandma one when you bring it up. But if not now, when? Perhaps you’ve started dating a new person, you’re smitten, you’re spooning, you’re sleeping, you accidentally had more cheese than your digestive system can quietly process (ie any), your ear plus are nestled in your ears because you’re a light sleeper andRead More

Oh you want this box lid… whatever.     This box isn’t cool any more… I’m out.      I’m not a bed hog… I just like my space     Binge watching Netflix is perfectly normal     Umm… No.     Deal with it.     Talk to the hand.     That one that cat that just won’t stop talking…     I said back off…     You can’t sit with us! Read More

Starting the “I Hate Sara Club” because he clearly hates me. I don’t exactly know what I did, but he totally hates me now. There’s no other explanation. Showing all his friends my text and laughing at it. “Bro, look at this. This bitch just asked me ‘what’s up.’” “Smfh, these girls are so thirsty, man.” At the Verizon store trying to fix his phone because he totally wanted to text me back—he really did—but his phone blew up, like literally, not just from my texts. At the bottom ofRead More

I couldn’t fully grasp this concept until recently. And by recently I mean when I found out Heath Ledger died and I tried to watch 10 Things I Hate About You. I thought it was a fluke, that one of my favorite films from my youth would solicit such a sadness.  I told myself it was only sad because he was so young himself as a serenading sparkplug, and I tried again with Brokeback Mountain, but I still could not see his face on screen without being subject to unsolicited emotions.  I can never enjoyRead More

She is always excited – OMG!     Always has a witty come back     She can give you words of encouragement     She appreciates carbs as much as you do     When you aren’t sure if you should go to Vegas… She reminds you what is important.     She will love watching reality TV just as much as you doRead More

Let me preface this by saying that I found myself wanting to perform a social experiment that I could write about and somehow I ended up here.  Internet Boyfriend.  Also, for those of you who know the sick and freaky world of the internet, let me tell you I was completely safe and made my boundaries very clear from the start.  Inspired by an unfortunate incident of phone-in-toilet and being a month away from an upgrade (which led to the temporary use of an old non-smart phone), I turned toRead More