Humor Tag

My first and only time as a figure model prompted a disapproving, “You’re better than this,” text from my mother with a warning about ruining my reputation.  But it was much classier than that.  It was life modeling.  I was Rose and they were my Jacks, all 7 of them, drawing me like their French girls.     I dropped my towel on the small stage and it  was like a public humiliation dream come true, except I wasn’t embarrassed.  I only got embarrassed when I thought about what wouldRead More

A girl power playlist of all these great songs you totally forgot about. Ladies night karaoke anyone? Nasty Girl – Destiny’s Child (2002) This Destiny’s Child jam was overshadowed by the singles “Survivor” and “Bootylicious” off of their third studio album, also titled “Survivor.” It’s a fun, sassy song with catty lyrics like “Shakin’ that thang on that man / Lookin’ all stank and nasty / Swore you look cute girl in them dukes / Booty all out lookin’ trashy.” Damn. This song might not fly if released today considering it’s totally slutRead More

This past weekend I did what any 22 year old should be doing on a Friday night, which is going out to bars with friends. Only this Friday I didn’t go out with the usual arrogant, ostentatious, egotistical douchebags, also known as my best friends from college. This time I met up with my best friends from high school who all went to a different college. In the midst of trying to figure out the plans, there were some people confused by this alien idea of using an app forRead More

It’s already been established that the best time to be a kid ever in the history of the universe was the 90’s. Many awesome factors contributed to this, but none quite as sugary as some of the epic treats. Let’s take a moment to remember the deliciousness and be grateful that nobody really cared about whether or not anything was organic back then.   Mondo/Squeezeits It’s hard to say what was more awesome about the Mondo/Squeezeit drinking experience. The cool plastic bottles with the twist-off caps or the fact that youRead More

If you’re a dude, then premature ejaculation has probably been a problem for you at some point in your life. If it hasn’t been, bully for you, I guess, you triumphant and lucky bastard. I used to have mad premature ejaculation problems. (And I’m perpetually looking over my shoulder, for fear that my three-pump-dump tendencies will return with a vengeance.) There were times in my high school and early college days when I would occasionally avoid sexual encounters with women because I was so frightened of completely embarrassing myself. ThisRead More

Everyone using Snapchat has those friends who send out excessive amounts of Snapchats every day. If you are one of those annoying assholes people, you are in luck. This article will help you refrain from sending the Snapchats that make everyone watch for the first second and click to skip to the next dumb ass Snapchat story.   The “It’s only 11 a.m. and I’m drunk” Snap You’re really not that cool. We all woke up at 8 A.M a few times (most Saturdays) in college still drunk off ourRead More

A while back I wrote “Rappers I’d Totally Kick it with in a Non-Sexual Way,” and in the name of more rapper-inspired lists that no one cares about but me, I’m coming back at ya with my list of rappers with the sexiest voices. Everyone always asks what got little ol’ white me into rap…well this is one of the reasons, albeit a very small one. Just a warning: some of these voices may be NSFW. I recommend having a change of underwear near by. Here we go:   5.Read More

Everyone puts a foot in their mouth at some point, but these celebrities are about knee deep in foot gobbling. Check out these 13 ridiculous celebrity quotes: 1. Rick Ross on losing 100 pounds: “I eat pears now and shit.” 2. Sylvester Stallone on art or reincarnation…We aren’t sure which: “The only happy artist is a dead artist, because only then you can’t change. After I die, I’ll probably come back as a paintbrush.” 3. Gwyneth Paltrow on nutrition: “I’d rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin.” 4.Read More

Here’s what happened: 5 points to anyone who laughed at that reference. So here’s what happened: I was at my tied-for-favorite bar in Atlanta (it’s Mother, in case any ATLiens are reading this) and for whatever reason my friends were off doing something and I was left to my own devices for the moment (always a bad idea). Actually, in retrospect, I probably just went downstairs to pee, which goes to show you how much damage I can do in 10 minutes. Anyway, so I’m downstairs minding my own businessRead More

My early twenties, the years of my mindless actions, died as the third decade of my life became closer than the beginning of my 20th year of my existence. The first half of my twenties took their final breath surrounded by the experiences and knowledge I gained through the journey called life. Those years are survived by my friends that stood by me when I wanted to run from myself, my family that loved me for better or for worse, and my new view on the latter half of myRead More

When this oversized guinea pig came onto the scene it was immediately Capybara against the world. When this bird showed up When someone put this paper bag around his head When this caiman came ashore When some dude offered up corn on the cob When someone put him in a motherfuckin’ cage When he got busy with his lady in public When he went to mexico When this monkey wanted a ride When he went out for drinks with all his friends When he threw Tessa a birthday partyRead More

Some men are better off on our TV screens…   Jax Teller – Sons of Anarchy Relationship Status: Married to Tara Knowles. Cat’s out of the bag: girls like bad boys. Jax Teller is the King of bad boys. He wears leather and rides a motorcycle. BRB, swooning. Played with the perfect balance of boyish charm and take-no-prisoners badassery by the gem that is Charlie Hunnam, Jax Teller has taken up permanent residency in the fantasies of ladies everywhere. Sadly, Jax is best as just a fantasy. Despite his “good” intentionsRead More

  We’ve all been there, man.  Read More

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this listicle are those of one dieter and do not reflect the opinions or official position of all dieters. To those who enjoy almond butter and hot yoga, I salute you. You will run into someone you know at the gym and they will see you sweat through every inch of your A Day to Remember tank top or cut-out summer camp tee from 2006. Be it an old classmate, a neighbor, a representative to a councilman you work with on the daily. Not even 8 a.m. is safe. Actually, 8 a.m. is theRead More

In honor of father’s day this past weekend, I spent some time reflecting on the invaluable lessons you have taught me in a quarter century.  You have owned some version of a beard or a mustache for nearly my whole life, which admittedly and Freudian-ly may be why I am only attracted to men with some sort of facial fur.  You posses the innate ability to tell a joke with such sincerity that you gain instant belief from your victims.  You have never been known to turn down a drink with the onesRead More