A Self-Help Essay By Dotty Getting robbed is a scary thing and your first reaction is to comply with everything your assailant is demanding. I believe all of us who have been a victim of robbery in a foreign country can relate. In the moments afterward you feel helpless, victimized, and are discouraged by thoughts of having to continue. I vowed from that day forward, if I was ever robbed again, I would be in-control of the situation. Therefore, after months of research, I came up with a method thatRead More

I”m constantly being blindsided by talk. People talk, make promises, and occasionally build empires…in their heads займы онлайн на карту. So many people talk me up. Tell me they”re going to be rich, famous, and successful…then turn around and do nothing about it. People tend to use the phrase “go-getter”, but really all they”re getting is big dreams. If you really, really want something, you have to go out and get it. Wanting it makes it known, but wanting it only gives you longing. Hell, I wanted a foreign princeRead More

  Record 4: Pasadena, Thursday, July 5th, 2014. Day. I’m at the Pie ‘n Burger again. I’m drinking coffee at the bar. I’m thinking about Shia LaBeouf. I’m thinking about how I really used to love Even Stevens when I was a kid. I was a kid before I was an unemployed 27-year-old vagabond-dude who still wears jeans that aren’t too-tight. Then I wonder what it’d be like to wear a brown paper bag on my head with a cool statement penned in Sharpie. I could be like new-Shia, circaRead More

Distance will forever be the main problem in my life. I’m a searcher. By distancing myself from the familiar, the tsunami of transition leaves me with a flood of new opportunities. By driving away from the city, I can finally breathe. The stars are visible now that I’m away from the smog. When making a college decision, I chose one halfway across the country—a convenient 750 miles away. When the walls of my perfect suburban hometown became too small for my liking, I bolted for what I called a “biggerRead More

Every summer growing up, I escaped to camp in the woods, where my world transformed into a sky of glitter, aromas of marshmallows, and sun-kissed days of carefree fun. Camp was the one time I could forget about the stresses of “reality;” where I looked forward to waking up at 7AM, where I could belt silly songs and dress in costume every day with a community of others who did the same. Most of all, camp was where I met some of my lifelong friends, because truly, nothing bonds peopleRead More

Every month ends and then a new month starts and soon enough it’s the month that ended starting all over again. Beginnings and ends mean moves and changes and hellos and goodbyes– some of them are accompanied by relief, some sadness, some panic, some sheer joy and others apathetic. The end of this month means I’ll be moving out of 4L – my Craigslist apartment. Over the past four months, this random gem of an apartment in Astoria has been graced by the presence of myself, the man who owns theRead More

As most of you can tell, whether it is due to my ironic writing style or my bio at the bottom of this page, I am a loud and proud hipster. If they had a parade, I would be gyrating my bum on the lead float. Of course, I would be wearing aviator sunglasses, a denim jacket, and rocking a nice fade haircut. But that goes without saying. What I’m getting at here is that I perform at a lot of open mic nights. And I love it. Here’s why.Read More

As I walked into lecture today, to my surprise, I noticed that my professor, who is regarded so highly in the world of academia, decided to use Comic Sans on the lecture slides. Believe me, it took every ounce of self-control within me to not walk right out then and there. Professor, I respect you immensely as an intellect, and you are far more learned that I may ever be. However, let me tell you exactly why I can’t take you seriously with Comic Sans: Some may say Comic SansRead More

  Record 3: Scottsdale, Friday, July 5th, 2013. Day. I’m sitting on the leather in my family’s center room, which is made for living, as some say. My father, who wears his mustache thin and wire-like, is staring out of our smudged window, contemplating something that is now, I’m afraid, causing him to shake his head to and fro in a ‘this-will-just-not-do’ manner that makes me anxious. I ask him a question with words about his unusual new physicality. He rambles and putters with letters and such, and I think,Read More

Today, my mum spontaneously called an old friend of hers from elementary school. When I was younger, our family and her’s would get together every summer. She had a daughter named Heather, who was my childhood penpal and faraway best friend. We used to call each other princesses when we discovered we could never become royalty. As we sat in mountains of strawberry bubbles while our mothers struggled to bathe us, we plotted ways to annoy them for the next day. We wore more matching outfits than typical twins probablyRead More

Thanks to Instagram and Facebook, we all have “friends” who we aren’t really friends with but who we think we know anyway.  We choose to frown upon or look up to someone based on photos and status-updates.  That girl who only posts pictures of mayonnaise and her cross-eyed cat?   Clearly she’s going to die alone.  We also think we know celebrities.  “Beyonce’s life must be perfect.”  Or, for The Bachelor critics: “Juan Pablo didn’t tell Nikki he loved her on national television so their relationship is doooooomed!”  We presume.Read More

1. You get extremely sketched out and worry you’re about to be assaulted any time a stranger tries to say hi to you in passing, or God forbid, start up a conversation. Bitch, I don’t know you, quit tryna talk to me. 2. Your love for grits far surpasses that of any person who’s grown up knowing grits are a thing. 3. Swap out “grits” in the above item for “Chick Fil-A,” “biscuits,” “fried green tomatoes,” you get the idea. You’re a kid in a candy store. A fried, butteryRead More