Continued from 5/19   Record 2: Koreatown, Los Angeles, Thursday, July 5th, 2010. Night. No one wants to get into a fight sober. No one. This leaves me with two options: 1. ask Hea Woo for a Jameson double and assume she’ll put it on my tab, which I’m hoping she’s lost track of, or 2. fight sober. I signal for Hea Woo. Catch her periphery. She cranes her neck just far enough left so as not to leave the eye line of her dead faced man of the hour,Read More

To get the full effect of this post please listen to this song while reading. “The subway breaks everyone and afterwards many are strong in the broken places.” -Ernest Hemingway/Rachel Harrison. Taking public transit is a struggle. Despite the perks of never having to worry about gas or car payments and insurance, the subway tests humans in unspeakable ways.   Stranger Danger Being trapped in an enclosed space with hundreds of complete strangers daily is not ideal to say the least. More often than not these strangers possess alternative views onRead More

1. Are crotchless panties still considered sexy if it’s due to wear n tear? 2. Are we human or are we dancer? 3. Why does diet coke make me feel more human? 4. Is it pathetic, weird, or thrifty to buy some of your bras from the little girl’s section as an adult? 5. Why is puberty part of God’s plan for us? 6. How often does the President have sex? 7. Which President was the most sexually active? (Clinton joke lurking here.) 8. What was the last thing youRead More

So before I published “5 Things About Which I Refuse to Believe the Hype” on Writtalin, I actually submitted it to Thought Catalog first. I waited about 15 minutes and since they didn’t respond right away I figured they rejected it, and since I’m impatient af, I put it up on Writtalin instead. Not that Writtalin is my second choice or anything because Writtalin is the essence of my being and I owe my life to Writtalin and please don’t fire me #TYBG. Anyway apparently some bitch was REALLY offendedRead More

Sitting still for an entire hour—it sounds easy enough. It’s simple to turn off your phone, power down the computer, find a quiet space, and sit. You don’t even do anything—the requirement is to literally do nothing! Almost seems like cheating, right? Right? Recently, I had the opportunity to see for myself just how “easy” it would be. One World Still  is an organization with a simple objective: meditate for an hour once a month. No dues or fees are necessary to be part of this event, and no registration isRead More

This is a period of time many “experts” like to classify as “emerging adulthood.” It sounds more glorious than it actually is. Unfortunately, “well adjusted” is a label we like to give ourselves for a few years of happy delusion. As young adults, we still feel everything (those teen hormones still need a Xanax), but now, we’re forcing ourselves to deal with situations in a “grown-up” manner. The Kübler-Ross model describes the 5 steps of loss and grief to be denial, anger, bargaining, depression, then acceptance. But we’re young adults, soRead More

Boarding the flight you already have a good idea of your seat, hopefully you didn’t score the middle. But on a 747 there are not two middle seats, but 6 middle seats. Your chances are high. Find your seat and immediately make your first enemies in the battle for space in the overhead compartment for your carry-on. As the loser, you retreat further toward the back of the plane searching for space. Then, like a salmon swimming upstream, you fight the hoard of people back to your seat, and sit,Read More

I think I finally understand how the Trix Rabbit feels. Earlier today I was peeling a mandarin orange–otherwise known as a Cutie–and I noticed a little sticker that read, “Cuties are for kids!” So, is that a requirement? Are some angry children going to run after me demanding I hand over the Cuties? I find myself asking the same questions that poor rabbit asked regarding his colorful bowl of Trix. Why can’t I have a Cutie? Why do only kids get to indulge in their juicy deliciousness? Little a$$holes, nobodyRead More

Hello, everyone. I’d like to take this time to formally introduce myself to you – yes, you – on the other side of my laptop. My name is Will, and for the sake of my attention span and your sanity, I will conclude any further introductory pretension here. There will be no need for punctilious handshakery or bro-huggery. Our time together will be brief, albeit rewarding, should you find yourself as keen on grammatically particular text and Facebook messages as I am. If you’re not, I implore you not toRead More

One of the worst feelings in the world is to be surrounded by a bunch of small children. This can happen just about anywhere, anytime. But since school is on its way out for the summer, it is time to watch your back if you are planning to use a public swimming pool. Here’s why:   Kids Love Swimming A human being’s first love affair is with the pool. Kids love this stuff! They are like cats on a scratching post, or cocaine addicts when they see a line. TheyRead More

In yet another shocking, yet not-at-all-surprising move, our good ol’ pal and perfectly sane Führer, Vladimir Putin, has decided to take his totalitarian deathgrip on the Russian subcontinent one large squeeze further. Mulling it over for a solid couple minutes and passing it to a vote in the Russian Congress, if you can even call it that, made up of Czar Putin I, His Highness Putin, Vlad The Putin, and Vladimir Putin, Putin decided that the whole gay hate thing was simply not enough for him – hatred unless theyRead More

There are few things on this earth that piss me off quite like driving. In general, I am a fairly laid-back kind of guy, save for the obvious hot-button issues. However, behind the wheel, I Hulk out. Every time. Ripped purple pants, the whole shebang; my T-shirt budget is enormous. It baffles me that normally halfway-intelligent people can instantly morph into completely bewildered, oblivious, and even pompous dumbfucks the second a one-ton steel killing machine comes into the picture – you know, the perfect time to not be a completeRead More